A New Year

Happy New Year to you all.

It's been awhile since I've posted anything.  But I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what the New Year has to offer.

2010 proved to be a year of many findings and changes.

I found out that I had skin cancer in May and with the prompt attention of a great doctor, had it removed and am now cancer free. 

With the scare of cancer, I realized that it was time to make some changes in my personal life.  So, I separated and left a 12-yr relationship to explore a new journey in my life...April's World: The Real Life.  Sometimes I think it should be made into a movie.  LOL!  And all the things that I thought would happen when I became single, never did happen.  I really thought that I had a lot of pent up frustration and energy that I would need to blow off and just go crazy.  I expected to drink myself into an oblivion every night.  The reasons I drank before were to escape my reality, and where I used to drink an entire bottle of wine, now I drink a glass of wine.  But I'm happy with my life now and have no reason to drink to escape my reality.  I love my reality.  Responsibility has become more evident than ever in my life...and I think that it's for the better.  I have no one to depend on now but myself and I love it!  There is such great freedom in that...more than I ever realized before.

I survived a serious accident in October with the help of the good Lord above and I'm pretty sure I had a guardian angel looking over me that night...as the insurance adjuster said, "I can't believe you walked away from that accident!"  Now I have a pretty red truck, like I always wanted.  And I didn't need anyone to go with me to help me make the deal.  I did it all on my own.  I didn't have to be rude to the car salesman, I didn't have to be ugly to the finance guys.  And I got the truck I wanted for the money I wanted to pay for it!

In December, my career path changed.  I never expected to be waiting tables for my soul source of income at the age of 35, but for now, it brings a mental vacation that I have longed for for many years.  I have decided to go into partnership with a great friend for a photography business called Life's Reflections.  Although, I am not able to dedicate my every waking hour to Life's Reflections at this time, I feel that in the future, it will be a successful business and it will become a main source of income.  Photography is something that I've always been interested in, but I lack the technical aspects of it.  Something I hope to pick up in the near future.  There is another opportunity knocking at the door and once I've got a little more time invested in it, I'll be sharing that as well.  But the important thing is that I am supporting myself financially.

I'm also dating the man that I've been in love with since I was 13 years old.  The dating scene has been something to get used to after all the years being married.  But I love that I have time to myself, time with my friends, and time with my man.  I gave up a lot of my friends when I was married, but no more.  The only thing that keeps me from spending too much time with my friends now is work.  I miss having my weekends free and getting to go away on weekend trips but those days won't be gone forever.

After much reflection over the past year, I welcome the new year and what it has to bring.  The future is what we make it.  I lived the last 20 something years living for others, this time, I live for myself!  I will do what I want and I will reap the benefits, I will accept the challenges and I will accept defeat when necessary! 

Independance

Independance can be such a great and powerful feeling...but when it's stripped from you, you begin to lose control of all the things you thought you had worked so hard to get. 

I flipped my car and with that came all sorts of additional headaches and heartaches.  The night that I flipped it, my phone was tossed from the vehicle...I had no one's numbers memorized, with exception to a very limited group...all of which NONE of them live close by anymore.  The DPS officer asks me, "Do you have someone that you can call to come get you?"  I'm sure there were a few people that would have come racing to my rescue, but I didn't have their phone numbers memorized.  Once I got home, I still had no way to let anyone know that I had been in a serious accident and that I was alright except to broadcast it via Facebook so that they could read it when they awoke the next morning.

That was my first reality check of loss of control. 

Well, I thought I'd take my time finding a new vehicle since I had both of my parents cars to drive around and at my beckon call.  Last Friday, the truck broke down on the side of the road...in a hysterical panic, I needed a ride to work and then I needed a ride home.  I was able to get a ride to work...but it was a little harder to find a ride home.  Although, I know now, who to call and who not to call in an instance like that!  Being stuck without a way to even get to my own damn house was humiliating and discouraging all in the same breath.

So, I started driving the little blue hoopty...it's a fine car but a small and old fragile car.  Lots and lots of miles on that old car.  Well, yesterday, it took a crap and broke down on the side of the road...so in 4 days, I was stranded on the side of 377 twice.  What a great sense of loss of control that was!  I had an uncontrollable emotional break down on the side of 377.  Poor Les, the shop mechanic that stopped to help me out.  He deserves so much for putting up with my emotional meltdown.

I have tried sooo hard to remain positive, and take my time finding a great new vehicle but it just feels as if I'm on a downward spiral that I can't make stop.

However, this afternoon, I made a deal on a truck...sight unseen...and will be picking her up tomorrow evening.  So, maybe I'm regaining control again and can once again have peace in my life.

Bitch On!

Thankful For...

The holiday season is rapidly approaching.  Time to reflect on the things that you are thankful for and for the blessings in your life.

• I'm thankful that I'm alive
• I'm thankful for my family and my friends (including the 4-legged and winged critters in my household)
• I'm thankful that I have my wits about me
• I'm thankful that my only addictions won't harm my health
• I'm thankful for my job - I'm lucky enough to have two of them and I am thankful for the great group of folks I work with at both places
• I'm thankful that I have a home to call mine
• I'm thankful for the beautiful weather - and even the not so beautiful weather because it offers beautiful opportunities
• I am blessed in such a way that I didn't have to change my lifestyle too much considering the life changes that I made recently
• I'm thankful for the hunting season as it allows me the time to reflect on nature and the creatures that God created
• I am blessed with people in my life that understand I'm not the easiest person to get along with but they love me for who I am and they know how to bring me back to reality when I need it most
• I'm thankful for second chances
• I'm thankful for the laughter and the tears
• I'm blessed with a creative flair

Obviously, I could go on and on but I thought I would share some of the things that I don't think about very often...or maybe I think about them too often! 

Bitch On

Trust

Kate reminded me of this today and I thought I would share and expand upon it.

"Trust in what you love, continue to do it, and it will take you where you need to go."

Kate, you are absolutely right when you say that it will not take us where we want to go but where we NEED to go. 

I'm struggling right now with myself and trust is something that I don't do very well.  With myself or others.  Even when I think I can, it never fails that I question it all.  But I think it's because I'm expecting it to take me where I WANT to go instead of where I NEED to go.

My wants and my needs are two different things and I think when I figure that out, things will start to fall into place for me.  I want everything but I need very little...and that is the hardest thing to realize. 

What is it that I love?  That's hard too!  I love sooo many things and find great pleasure in all of them but does that mean it's because I need it or because I want it? 

I love to be outdoors
I love to ride my 4 wheeler
I love to hunt
I love to fish
I love to sing
I love to dance
I love to listen to my music loud
I love to play with my dogs and cat
I love to go on road trips
I love to explore
I love to watch mother nature at work
I love to dress up
I love to dress down
I love to laugh
I love to talk
I love to shop
I love to eat
I love to drink
I love to watch stupid television
I love to play computer games
I love the sunshine
I love the warmer weather
I love the wind blowing through my hair
I love flowers
I love working in the garden
I love my job - both of them
I love to make others happy
I love to ease others pain
I love to listen to others heartbreak and show them the brighter side
I love to help others when they need it most
I love to be silent
I love to be loud
I love to be opinionated
I love to feel important

Most importantly, I'm learning to love myself.

Expressing Yourself via Public Forums

I'm just as guilty as the rest of the folks out there about posting my feelings and such on public forums such as Facebook. 

But what's the point if you have to sensor every thought that comes out of your fingers onto the screen into your status update?  I mean really! 

I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion...doesn't mean that I agree with it or that I'm opposed to it!  It's just that...an opinion.

Merriam Webster defines "Opinion" as follows:

Definition of OPINION

1

a : a view, judgment, or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter b : approval, esteem

2

a : belief stronger than impression and less strong than positive knowledge b : a generally held view

3

a : a formal expression of judgment or advice by an expert b : the formal expression (as by a judge, court, or referee) of the legal reasons and principles upon which a legal decision is based

 

So why are people so threatened by someone with an opinion?  It doesn't mean it's right or wrong. 

 

Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one!

One Day At A Time...

I take it, one day at a time...one step in front of the other...and lately it seems as if I'm running into the arms of happiness.  It's a little scary but it's fun! 

I get a little down and I start thinking about all the many blessings in my life...my family, my friends, my kiddos aka critters of the 4 legged kind, my job(s), my house, all of my stuuuuffff!!!  And it all makes me happy and I feel a great sense of accomplishment and that makes me the happiest of all. 

I've worked my entire life towards a goal...a goal that I didn't really know existed.  Maybe I knew it existed but I didn't really know what it was specifically that I was searching for.  But doing it all on my own seems to be the thing that I've been trying to prove to myself all along!  And it makes me feel sooooo good on the surface and down deep!

Maybe it's time to start painting again...because I don't just see darkness anymore.  I don't just see the negativity in everything.  There is actual positiveness in EVERYTHING!!!  Imagine that!  Who knew?

I may not have made the best choices in my life for the past 34 years, but I learned from them all.  And if I hadn't made those choices, I would be who I am today...so for that I am thankful.  I'm proud of who I am today.  And if you don't like it, then stick it up your ass and move on about your business.  I don't need ya and don't want you to be a part of my life! 

Bitch On!!

Laughter Really Is The Best Medicine!

Research shows that laughter improves stress, pain, conflict, boosts your immune system and is the most infectious disease out there. 

I have never laughed so much as I have over the last couple of weeks or so!  Thanks to all of you that have contributed to putting that smile on my face!

Laughing until my head hurts, my tummy hurts, my cheek bones hurt and at times, laughing until I cry...but it is sooooo refreshing and so healing!  I forget about all my troubles when I'm laughing...when I'm smiling.  It pulls me out of my deepest, darkest runs of depression. 

I've tried so many things to make myself happy, but the thing that seems to work the best is laughing.  Laughing at the dog that talks back to her owner...laughing at bloopers...laughing over bad experiences...laughing at mistakes made...laughing at silly photos...laughing when you make up your own words and then try to figure out what they mean...laughing with friends (old and new)...laughing at memories.  Making new memories with all the laughter.

So, if you're feeling a little blue...I would suggest that you find something that makes you laugh!  It really will help you feel soooo much better! 

My proof is in the krakow!  ;)