Independance

Independance can be such a great and powerful feeling...but when it's stripped from you, you begin to lose control of all the things you thought you had worked so hard to get. 

I flipped my car and with that came all sorts of additional headaches and heartaches.  The night that I flipped it, my phone was tossed from the vehicle...I had no one's numbers memorized, with exception to a very limited group...all of which NONE of them live close by anymore.  The DPS officer asks me, "Do you have someone that you can call to come get you?"  I'm sure there were a few people that would have come racing to my rescue, but I didn't have their phone numbers memorized.  Once I got home, I still had no way to let anyone know that I had been in a serious accident and that I was alright except to broadcast it via Facebook so that they could read it when they awoke the next morning.

That was my first reality check of loss of control. 

Well, I thought I'd take my time finding a new vehicle since I had both of my parents cars to drive around and at my beckon call.  Last Friday, the truck broke down on the side of the road...in a hysterical panic, I needed a ride to work and then I needed a ride home.  I was able to get a ride to work...but it was a little harder to find a ride home.  Although, I know now, who to call and who not to call in an instance like that!  Being stuck without a way to even get to my own damn house was humiliating and discouraging all in the same breath.

So, I started driving the little blue hoopty...it's a fine car but a small and old fragile car.  Lots and lots of miles on that old car.  Well, yesterday, it took a crap and broke down on the side of the road...so in 4 days, I was stranded on the side of 377 twice.  What a great sense of loss of control that was!  I had an uncontrollable emotional break down on the side of 377.  Poor Les, the shop mechanic that stopped to help me out.  He deserves so much for putting up with my emotional meltdown.

I have tried sooo hard to remain positive, and take my time finding a great new vehicle but it just feels as if I'm on a downward spiral that I can't make stop.

However, this afternoon, I made a deal on a truck...sight unseen...and will be picking her up tomorrow evening.  So, maybe I'm regaining control again and can once again have peace in my life.

Bitch On!

Thankful For...

The holiday season is rapidly approaching.  Time to reflect on the things that you are thankful for and for the blessings in your life.

• I'm thankful that I'm alive
• I'm thankful for my family and my friends (including the 4-legged and winged critters in my household)
• I'm thankful that I have my wits about me
• I'm thankful that my only addictions won't harm my health
• I'm thankful for my job - I'm lucky enough to have two of them and I am thankful for the great group of folks I work with at both places
• I'm thankful that I have a home to call mine
• I'm thankful for the beautiful weather - and even the not so beautiful weather because it offers beautiful opportunities
• I am blessed in such a way that I didn't have to change my lifestyle too much considering the life changes that I made recently
• I'm thankful for the hunting season as it allows me the time to reflect on nature and the creatures that God created
• I am blessed with people in my life that understand I'm not the easiest person to get along with but they love me for who I am and they know how to bring me back to reality when I need it most
• I'm thankful for second chances
• I'm thankful for the laughter and the tears
• I'm blessed with a creative flair

Obviously, I could go on and on but I thought I would share some of the things that I don't think about very often...or maybe I think about them too often! 

Bitch On

Trust

Kate reminded me of this today and I thought I would share and expand upon it.

"Trust in what you love, continue to do it, and it will take you where you need to go."

Kate, you are absolutely right when you say that it will not take us where we want to go but where we NEED to go. 

I'm struggling right now with myself and trust is something that I don't do very well.  With myself or others.  Even when I think I can, it never fails that I question it all.  But I think it's because I'm expecting it to take me where I WANT to go instead of where I NEED to go.

My wants and my needs are two different things and I think when I figure that out, things will start to fall into place for me.  I want everything but I need very little...and that is the hardest thing to realize. 

What is it that I love?  That's hard too!  I love sooo many things and find great pleasure in all of them but does that mean it's because I need it or because I want it? 

I love to be outdoors
I love to ride my 4 wheeler
I love to hunt
I love to fish
I love to sing
I love to dance
I love to listen to my music loud
I love to play with my dogs and cat
I love to go on road trips
I love to explore
I love to watch mother nature at work
I love to dress up
I love to dress down
I love to laugh
I love to talk
I love to shop
I love to eat
I love to drink
I love to watch stupid television
I love to play computer games
I love the sunshine
I love the warmer weather
I love the wind blowing through my hair
I love flowers
I love working in the garden
I love my job - both of them
I love to make others happy
I love to ease others pain
I love to listen to others heartbreak and show them the brighter side
I love to help others when they need it most
I love to be silent
I love to be loud
I love to be opinionated
I love to feel important

Most importantly, I'm learning to love myself.

Expressing Yourself via Public Forums

I'm just as guilty as the rest of the folks out there about posting my feelings and such on public forums such as Facebook. 

But what's the point if you have to sensor every thought that comes out of your fingers onto the screen into your status update?  I mean really! 

I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion...doesn't mean that I agree with it or that I'm opposed to it!  It's just that...an opinion.

Merriam Webster defines "Opinion" as follows:

Definition of OPINION

1

a : a view, judgment, or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter b : approval, esteem

2

a : belief stronger than impression and less strong than positive knowledge b : a generally held view

3

a : a formal expression of judgment or advice by an expert b : the formal expression (as by a judge, court, or referee) of the legal reasons and principles upon which a legal decision is based

 

So why are people so threatened by someone with an opinion?  It doesn't mean it's right or wrong. 

 

Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one!

One Day At A Time...

I take it, one day at a time...one step in front of the other...and lately it seems as if I'm running into the arms of happiness.  It's a little scary but it's fun! 

I get a little down and I start thinking about all the many blessings in my life...my family, my friends, my kiddos aka critters of the 4 legged kind, my job(s), my house, all of my stuuuuffff!!!  And it all makes me happy and I feel a great sense of accomplishment and that makes me the happiest of all. 

I've worked my entire life towards a goal...a goal that I didn't really know existed.  Maybe I knew it existed but I didn't really know what it was specifically that I was searching for.  But doing it all on my own seems to be the thing that I've been trying to prove to myself all along!  And it makes me feel sooooo good on the surface and down deep!

Maybe it's time to start painting again...because I don't just see darkness anymore.  I don't just see the negativity in everything.  There is actual positiveness in EVERYTHING!!!  Imagine that!  Who knew?

I may not have made the best choices in my life for the past 34 years, but I learned from them all.  And if I hadn't made those choices, I would be who I am today...so for that I am thankful.  I'm proud of who I am today.  And if you don't like it, then stick it up your ass and move on about your business.  I don't need ya and don't want you to be a part of my life! 

Bitch On!!

Laughter Really Is The Best Medicine!

Research shows that laughter improves stress, pain, conflict, boosts your immune system and is the most infectious disease out there. 

I have never laughed so much as I have over the last couple of weeks or so!  Thanks to all of you that have contributed to putting that smile on my face!

Laughing until my head hurts, my tummy hurts, my cheek bones hurt and at times, laughing until I cry...but it is sooooo refreshing and so healing!  I forget about all my troubles when I'm laughing...when I'm smiling.  It pulls me out of my deepest, darkest runs of depression. 

I've tried so many things to make myself happy, but the thing that seems to work the best is laughing.  Laughing at the dog that talks back to her owner...laughing at bloopers...laughing over bad experiences...laughing at mistakes made...laughing at silly photos...laughing when you make up your own words and then try to figure out what they mean...laughing with friends (old and new)...laughing at memories.  Making new memories with all the laughter.

So, if you're feeling a little blue...I would suggest that you find something that makes you laugh!  It really will help you feel soooo much better! 

My proof is in the krakow!  ;)

Loneliness Isn't A Bad Thing

For the first time in several weeks, I feel free!  Free to express myself, free to say what I want, do what I want...it's so refreshing!  Even though I've had this freedom for a few months now, it just now seems real! 

I feel a great sense of accomplishment and I feel as if I have taken control of my life again!  A good friend recently told me to not look at loneliness as a bad thing...and over the last few months I have been doing just that! 

I'm slowly figuring out that loneliness is not a bad thing.  I make small trips alone to show myself that it's ok to be alone!  One of my biggest fears is spending my life alone.  Eating at a sit-down restaurant alone is terrifying to me!  But, twice now, I've gone specifically to a sit-down joint, just to sit and eat alone...to show myself that it's ok.  And ya know what?  It wasn't so bad...of course, it's not something that I want to do on a daily basis...if you know me, you know that I'm a social butterfly and prefer being around people. 

So, Sunday, I chose to take a stroll around the square...ALONE!!!  And I realized that I thoroughly enjoyed walking in and out of the stores that I wanted to go in and spent as much time or as little time in each store as I wanted!  And it was a blessing to be able to spend this time with myself.  I actually felt a slight bit of relief from the stress that had taken it's toll on me last week! 

What's the next thing to do ALONE?  I'm not sure, but stay tuned!!  I'm thinking a road trip of some sort would be fun!  But I'm kinda scared of that too!  But the best way to face your fears is to challenge it and face it head on!

Life As I Knew It...

So, life as I knew it changed drastically around the 4th of July...I took back my independance and asked for a divorce after 10.5 years of marriage.  As of September 10th, my divorce became final.  It wasn't the easiest decision I ever made but I feel that it was the best decision for both parties! 

So, now the beginning of the next chapter of my life begins.  Someone told me once that journaling would help you get through some of the tough times...so why not share that journaling with you guys?  I have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of.  And as many of you know, I have no secrets.

I am currenlty working two jobs to maintain the household that I have worked so hard to build.  The second job keeps me from thinking about the lonliness when I'm forced to be alone.  I have a great support group of friends and family that have stood by me and supported me the entire step of the way and I don't know what I'd do without them!  Thanks to all of you! 

So what's next?  I don't know...I do know there are a few events coming up that I'm looking forward to!  Friday, September 24th to celebrate "D" Day!  October 14th-16th for Mudstock!!  October 29th-31st for the Annual Halloween Bash!!!  November 13th for the Fall Festival with GREAT friends!!  That's about as far out as I can go right now! 

I hope to get some hunting in this year...although the dynamics are different so I'm not sure how all of that will work out but I'm going to remain positive about it!  :)

I've met some amazing new people over the last few months and I look forward to new friendships and new adventures with all of them! 

So change isn't always a bad thing!  I welcome it and embrace with every fiber of my being and here's to the future and the opportunities that it has to offer! 

BITCH ON!